Today's public service announcements are brought to you courtesy of the Minnesota State Fair.
#1: Should you wish to start out your day at the fair with crying, screaming, kicking and flailing, this is easily achieved by giving your three year old a one dollar bill so she doesn't feel left out when the older kids have spending money. She will clutch the dollar bill tightly in her fist, but will want to point out some just-born piglets to you. When she does, the dollar will fall, she will lose it, and the crying, screaming, kicking and flailing will commence.
It's really quite a foolproof process.
This picture shows a three year old at the beginning of this process. The dollar was dropped shortly thereafter.
#2: Fried cheese curds have no calories and contain properties that effortlessly slim your hips. You can drop two dress sizes by the time your day at the fair is through.
#3: Hotdish is best on a stick. Try it at your next family gathering. Here's an easy recipe:
Combine in a ceramic baking dish:
-- One can condensed cream of mushroom soup
-- One can chunk light tuna packed in water
-- One package frozen peas
-- One pound of egg noodles
-- One cup of water
Mix until combined. Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 40 minutes. Remove from oven and cover mixture with 6-8 cups of mozzarella cheese. Cheese should be approximately three inches thick. Return to oven until cheese is melted and a brown crust begins to form; approximately 20 minutes. Remove hotdish from oven and place immediately into the refrigerator for a minimum of three hours to allow mixture to gelatinize.
When cold, cut into four inch squares and spear with a bamboo skewer. Serve cold, and with lots of pop. If you have no idea what pop and hotdish are, do not attempt to make this at home.
#4: Consuming 3/4 of a bucket of cookies will not prevent you from getting sunburned.
#5: Cows that weigh 2,400 pounds make excellent playground equipment.
#6: 1,400 pound pigs are not something to be proud of. If you have one, don't bring it to the state fair. Unless this is how you want to be remembered.
#7: Don't let the talk of crowds dissuade you from attending: 1.7 million of the nicest people on earth have all congregated in one place!
#8: Add large quantities of seeds to your bomb and tornado shelters. If worse comes to worst, at least you'll have art to cheer you.
Be sure to include enough seed for the art and for the replanting after the tornado destroys your farm.
#9: When they say the Minnesota State Fair is one of the largest state fairs in the world, what they really mean is that we have the most chickens.
#10: The State Fair does not have a concierge service. If you would like to purchase 950 pounds of pumpkin, you will have to roll it home yourself.
Thus concludes this test of the emergency broadcast system.