all the weird things in the world
Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 8:16PM All the weird things in the world happen to me.
Like the time I spent two hours talking to a famous person having no idea who he was until he left his card.
Or the time I got on a train and had to moderate a dispute between a blind man and a deaf man.
Or the time I won a radio contest that one of my friends entered me in and I was forced to go on a limousine ride for two ridiculous hours around the city I've driven around in my entire life.
I can guarantee you that:
1. Any grocery cart I choose will have at least one bockety wheel.
2. The line I get in to pay will experience a technical difficulty of some sort, resulting in what was once the shortest line now being the longest line.
3. Any plane I am within two gates of will be delayed.
4. Anything I choose to wear will malfunction or develop a stain within an hour.
5. Any mentally ill person -- the more raving the better -- in a mall, a museum, or the internet, will find me. And want to talk to me for a really long time.
If you've spent any time with me in person, these facts are well documented. I have multiple independent sources that will say without qualm, "Oh yes, crazy people love Sharon." Give me ten minutes alone in a restaurant while you sit in a nearby booth and watch what happens.
Do you think a foil hat would help?
I recently visited -- and loved -- Syracuse, NY, where I was teaching at a knitting retreat.
On the plane there, I was pleased that the seat next to me was empty. After the delay, which I'm sure I caused, I was anxious to just get on the plane and go.
However, we did not take off after everyone was seated. We waited. And waited. A gate agent boarded the plane, looking for empty seats and writing down their locations. Of course, that meant someone on standby needed the empty seat next to me.
Soon, an elderly woman was assisted down the aisle, tiny and frail, with a purple perm that was flattened on one side and poufy on the other. A large male gate agent was carrying her bag and her portable oxygen tank.
The flight attendant followed them down the aisle and helped her locate the seat, motioning for me to move out of my seat so they could help this person get situated.
As soon as she was shown where she would be sitting, this woman said loudly, "GOSH DARN IT."
Except, she didn't say gosh darn it. This being the kind of site my children can read, I'll refrain from actually repeating what she said. But it was exactly what gosh darn it is a euphemism for. And it was said emphatically.
"SHOOT." (Insert what shoot is usually a substitute for here, and just imagine that throughout the rest of the exchange.)
"WELL, GOSH DARN IT. SON OF A BISCUIT." (Ahem.)
"SHOOT, GOSH DARN IT."
Now, this was a small regional jet.
The kind that I -- and this large gate agent -- have to stoop to stand up in. We stood there in the aisle that is -- at best -- six inches wide, blocked by this tiny woman who obviously found her seat next to me quite unacceptable.
The flight attendant, who was courteous the entire time, said, "Ma'am, your oxygen tank needs to fit all the way under the seat in front of you. The plane can't leave until we get it under there." The flight attendant struggled to fit it.
"SHOOT. GOSH DARN IT, SON OF A BISCUIT." The woman said more loudly.
Of course, now the entire plane can hear her. But they can't see her, she's a tiny woman in row 10. Who can they see? Me, of course. Giant bellied me, standing in the aisle. So the entire plane is now staring at me like I've just arrived to class in my underwear.
"It's a good thing these planes are so spacious," I joked to the man stooped over next to me. "I would feel terrible for anyone having to stand in the aisle for any length of time."
"Oh, me too," he replied. "You're fortunate to have been given such ample space on a huge plane like this one."
The woman got louder when the flight attendant tried to put her white windbreaker into the overhead bin.
"I NEED MY COAT, GOSH DARN IT. THERE'S AN APPLE IN THERE THAT A WOMAN GAVE TO ME BACK AT GATE C17 AND I HAVEN'T HAD AN APPLE IN A LONG TIME. THEY'RE NOT IN SEASON IN MONTANA. I NEED THAT APPLE."
The flight attendant said, "Ma'am, I've already closed the overhead bin, and the flight needs to depart the gate. You can retrieve it after take off."
Wrong answer.
"I REALLY NEED THAT APPLE, SON OF A BISCUIT. THE WOMAN AT C17 GAVE IT TO ME AND I NEED A BITE OF THAT APPLE."
The flight attendant walked away, and at this point, I'm quite sure this woman has some dementia issues.
Except.
Except her first words to me when the attendant was out of earshot were, "I probably shouldn't talk that way to her. But I really want that apple. And they don't give you any space on planes anymore."
I decided I was going to be as nice to her as I could be without making a martyr of myself. She is someone's mother. She wasn't going to become nicer or quieter if I was mean to her.
The plane was finally hurtling down the runway, ready to do the impossible, which is propel itself into the air and remain aloft until it arrived at a precisely calculated destination halfway across the country.
As soon as the nose left the ground she said to me, "GOSH DARN IT, WOULD YOU MOVE OVER?"
I took a second to clench my jaw and said as nicely as I could, "Well, I don't really have anywhere to move over to. I am sitting all the way against my own arm rest."
"NO, YOU ARE IN MY SEAT. LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE TAKING UP SOME OF MY SEAT."
I've never pretended to be a small person. But I don't weigh 500 pounds here. My airplane fitting abilities are more of the wow, my legs are four feet long and the space in front of me is not variety.
I decided to play the I'm-having-a-baby-back-up-off-me card. "Well, I'm moved over as far as I can be. If I could move over more, I would. And I am having a baby in a few months."
"SHOOT. ARE YOU HAVING A BOY OR A GIRL?"
"A little girl," I replied, hoping to steer the conversation onto something other than the size of my backside, which was clearly crowding this woman out onto the wing of the plane.
"WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD A BOY."
There's really nothing one can say to that, given this particular scenario. Was I going to argue about how I contribute the X chromosome either way, and that the gender of the baby is determined by the father? Was I going to say, "Try and make me?"
The only possible answer was, "Would you like me to get that apple for you now?"
Except it was the wrong answer.
That just seemed to set her off more.
"GOSH DARN IT, WHAT I REALLY NEED IS A BITE OF THAT APPLE THAT THE WOMAN AT C17 GAVE ME. I LIVE WAY OUT IN THE COUNTRY IN MONTANA AND WE CAN'T GET APPLES THIS TIME OF YEAR. SHOOT."
My internal dialogue coach wanted me to say, "Really? No apples in Montana? REALLY? I'm pretty sure you can get apples in Montana in March. There are apples year round just about everywhere."
But I didn't. I clenched my jaw. Which is slightly less painful than biting one's tongue. But it can lead to bruxism, so watch it.
I got out of my seat to find this woman's apple. A man in the row behind us gave me a thumbs up.
Thumbs up for what? Thumbs up for putting up with the sailor-mouthed woman? Thumbs up for finding her apple? Thumbs up for being a giant pregnant woman on a too small plane?
She was happy to see her apple, and dug her blue sparkly acrylic fingernails into it. They looked like this, but more chippy.
She took one tiny bite and then stored it in the seat pocket for the entire rest of the flight.
I read a book on my iPad.
"SHOOT, CAN YOU MAKE PHONE CALLS WITH THAT THING?"
I looked at a magazine.
"GOSH DARN IT, MAGAZINES ARE NOTHING BUT SMUTTY ADS THESE DAYS, SON OF A BISCUIT."
The irony. It killed me.
I was reading Better Homes and Gardens. The ads are for things like cholesterol medication and carpeting. The mouth on the woman next to me, however? Smutty.
Over the course of the flight, the woman said GOSH DARN IT 29 more times. She said SHOOT 38 more times, SON OF A BISCUIT 12 more times, and WOULD YOU MOVE OVER eight more times.
At the end, I finally just said, "Sure." when she asked me to move over, and I pretended to scoot closer to the thing that was already digging into my side.
When I got off the plane, the flight attendant apologized to me.
I wish she would have just given me a cookie or a pat on the head or something, that would have helped a lot more.
I think I racked up some karmic brownie points, because on the way home, the seat next to me was empty and the plane was on time.
And guess what? It's now Thursday evening. I left Syracuse on Sunday. Not one person -- not one -- has emailed me to comment on my clothes, my hair, or my makeup during the knitting retreat. I have, however, gotten a number of nice people who thanked me for coming and said they hoped I would come back.
Maybe some of the weird things that were destined to happen to me happened to someone else instead. It's only fair, I think.
How about you? Do strange people come up to you in grocery stores wanting to discuss things like cat litter with you too? Do you ever come into the dining room to find your 95 pound dog standing in the middle of the empty table? Do strangers tell you look matronly when you wear your hair up? No? I'm the only lucky one?
Yarnista
Oh my. Case in point. I just had to remove the equivalent of a 17 page Word document diatribe in the comment section that included things about how Jesus was used to create the Matrix, and how masculinized women are the only hope for the world, and how Hawaiians, who were the real first Americans, ruined their people by eating too much pork and ignoring fish.
And other more disturbing stuff too. But it's a lovely illustration of how the crazies can find me, even on the vast world wide web.
Reader Comments (40)
So sorry for your ugly plane flight! I always get the 7 foot tall, 400 pound man who sits next to me and acts as if he believes that my seat is, in fact, his. Sometimes I get one on each side. In the checkout line, I always have at least one item that won't scan properly. Often, they have to input the numbers from the upc by hand. Multiple times. So, I guess I am the one screwing up your short line! Haha! And while I have never seen it with my own eyes, I am CERTAIN that my (not quite so) horsedog has been standing on our waist (well for me)-high countertop (based on things we have found her chewing on at a later time.) Can your horsedog open zippers and safety pins too?
Yes, I too live in a strange world :)
Dearest HRH Yarnista,
I hope that Mary does not include me in her statement...."Yup, crazy people love Sharon. I've seen it." Though I was completely gobsmacked at finally getting to meet you, I tried to be on my best behavior. I enjoyed your classes and the time we spent chatting at meals. I enjoyed meeting Mary.
BTW, crazy people would not love you quite so much if you weren't so attractive, accomodating and clever. You are a joy to be around. So in a 'crazy' way it's all your fault. Just sayin'......
Thanks for Syracuse, I had a great time and will be back next year. Hopefully to be completely gobsmacked with little Shamrock and Yarnista's Mama! Oh and you, always you!!!
PS....I am embracing color, I have on yellow shoes....thought you might like to know that..... :0)
Dear Mr. Yarnista,
You tease us with tales of even weirder Yarnista/crazy people stories!! Maybe you can convince her to tell us more of them?
:)
My husband, who travels a LOT, has learned to put on his big Bose headphones as soon as he is seated. Might also be his "don't mess with me" look on his face, but hey, it works.
As far as stupid questions, when I was pregnant with my third (my other two were 8 and 4) I had several people ask me if this one was an "accident". Not that it was any of their business.....
I'd love to know who the celebrity was, and the story about that one!
Huh. Maybe you do attract the crazy more than other people. Even on your blog. Wow.
Oh my. That comment had to come down, didn't it, Shelley? Although it certainly illustrates the principle well, does it not? I posted a follow up at the end of the blog entry about it.
(To be clear, Shelley didn't leave the comment.)
LOL! I love that story!! I too tend to gather crazy people/ I think it comes from having an open, yet kind look about you. I have that too. I used to wear a pin that said "I am not as innocent as I look." I don't have it anymore. That was a great pin.
My best crazy story involved a man calling me at work to verify a dinner reservation of friends of his that night (I was the manager of a country inn at the time). He wanted to leave a message for them. For TWO hours he told me how he just returned from Saudi Arabia where he was arrested and charged with rape (which he said he didn't do, but he had an affair with a married woman). He was due to get the death penalty for this but his lawyer negotiated a lesser punishment which involved him losing a very necessary part of the male anatomy. He - meanwhile - had a fiancee at home. After much discussion they decided to marry anyway (my only conclusion at this point was his fiancee was as crazy as him - or maybe he was very, very rich). He then went into detail about how in the middle ages people would marry by proxy - and would consummate the marriage by proxy too. (This is wrong BTW - I knew it was wrong, but I was only contributing Really? and Uh huhs. at this point.) The friend who was coming to dinner was the one who was to be his proxy in his marriage. At the end of this lengthy story he asked me to repeat the message back. I said "Sure. John has returned from Saudi Arabia, and please give him a call." LOL! He was pissed at that point but I told him that his message was too long to fit on my note card. About an hour later I got a call to cancel the dinner reservation. I did NOT pass on the message.
I think your seatmate must have come visiting our yarn shop ... we had an older woman, complete with rolling walker-with-basket., who was cursing up a storm in our shop! Thank goodness it was a slow day and she was the only customer at the time. She also expressed her strong opinion on various yarn, colors, and patterns, loudly and vehemently.
Oh, my word. I can relate. My husband and I encounter crazy people when we travel because we are both smiling and usually kind to strangers. I should invest in headphones. I've tried ignoring by knitting, but they always ask "what it that?"
My work in labor and delivery also is fascinating to lay people and it's amazing the questions they ask when they discover that you actually love helping women in childbirth. Plus the birth stories all women and MEN, too, like to share--it's a wonder civilizations persist. I've told you before that I am not quite 5 feet tall and I did look fine with my first pregnancy (really!) but everyone had to tell me that I didn't. Good grief at 120 lbs on birth day how bad could it have been? Then with my enormous belly with baby #2, and after 140 lbs I wouldn't weigh any more...well you can imagine. I had one stranger person say " I hate the man who did this to you". My husband asked me not to walk around town because he was afraid of retaliation after we got so many comments. And that was at 7 months....I showed up that week to teach a Lamaze class and I was way bigger than all the term women in the class. Bummer. Two months to go after that. Now that I work in a doctor's office (my daughter's no less) I get even more intrusive questions and asked to look at things like boils and infected spots. I prefer baby questions by far. I hope you and your baby are fine now. And I agree with above, where was the customer service there for you???
I was truly flabbergasted. That post was beyond Crazy McCrazypants. I'm glad you took it down. You're right, though. You get all the crazy. I think it's to compensate for the creative genius and total awesomeness. It's the only explanation.
Having lived in montana for awhile, I just laughed harder when you said she was from Montana. I can picture her now. I bet she had rotten teeth right? Those Montana women are a hardy stock! sorry for the miserable ride for you
I'm sorry for you but it's a wonderful story. I rarely laugh out loud when reading but this did it. I think the least the flight attendants could have done was a standing ovation as you de-planed.
ps really? The Hawaiians ate wrong? who knew?
Son of a biscuit...I am still laughing!
I was hoping Mr. Yarnista would elaborate on his comment. Maybe a guest post is in order:-)
Props for being nice to her! What kind of old lady is mean to a pregnant one?! (I know...that kind. whatever she is.) I'd probably go ahead and blame the gender on my husband, then start telling her about genetics. At that point she'd tune out or fake a stroke or heart attack just to get me to quit talking. With my luck, she'd actually die to get away, and then I'd have to try to do CPR.
So sorry you had to put up with that, as well as all the folks that seem to have never developed the proper social filters between their brain and mouth! You do have such a magnetic personality that I guess it was inevitable you would draw the crazies along with the star-struck fans - this is the curse of all celebrities you know. You are a Star, after all!
As for people diving straight for that special tummy, it reminds me of stories my DD tells. She isn't pregnant, but she has been, uhm, overly "blessed" in the "rack" department, if you get my drift. Someone once asked her what size she was, she said "GG" and someone else exclaimed "that stands for "Good God!". She said she also gets regularly groped by strangers when she goes clubbing with friends - and it's always the women that come at her with both hands grabbing! Surprisingly enough (to me at least) she doesn't haul off and slug the groper.
I don't have to try all that hard, I seem to naturally exude that "radiating evil" aura, and people generally leave me alone, much to my relief. It isn't that I'm antisocial but interacting with people most often exhausts me so I try to keep it to a minimum.
I waited for 45 minutes at the vet yesterday next to someone who talked nonstop about expressing his cat's anal glands.
i'm so sorry that happened to you. but thank you for my laugh for the day! you definitely earned some karma points that day
Oh Lordy! I get the same thing-- if there is a crazy person within a ten mile radius, they will somehow find me. And I will be forced to listen to them for far too long (mainly because I just do not know how to get out of those kinds of awkward, sometimes scary situations.) Unfortunately the only real crazies I have to deal with on the internet are of the familial variety, so I can't exactly ignore them. It's good to know I'm not the only one!