You know it's bad.

You know it's bad when you get emails from people saying, "PLEASE! Please update your blog! I need a fix!"

You know it's bad when your very own husband says, "So, do you have people emailing yet, asking you to update your blog? Because it's been a week."

You know it's bad when you get a bill from your web host for almost $6,000 because your website had over eight million page views during the month of January.

You know it's bad when your web host charges $6,000 for eight million page views, and that your shopping cart system is proprietary to them, so you're stuck with them unless you want to change shopping cart systems again.

But I have more pressing things to tell you. Things like:

1. My glasses are broken. I tried using super glue, and that solved one of the problems, but created another: now my glasses won't fold closed. It's a very chic thing, to have broken glasses. You should all go out and break your glasses right now, so that you can be as hip and fantastic as I.

2. We had a fantastic time at our workshop on Saturday. Darn Knit Anyway is a great yarn shop run by great people, and all of the attendees were so fantabulous.

They did not make fun of my hair, which was horrific because I got up at 5:00 am to wash it, and when I got to Stillwater, MN, I couldn't find a bathroom with an outlet so that I could do something with it. It was a big staticky mess, but you know what? We had fun anyway. So there. Bad hair will not ruin your life if you choose not to let it.

I'll have pictures to show you soon.

Of the workshop, not the hair.

3. Black licorice -- the real stuff, not the artificially flavored drugstore junk -- makes your tongue numb. I may or may not have discovered this today.

4. I am currently coveting something I cannot have. Or, something I will not allow myself to have, because it is entirely frivolous and very expensive, and even though I am a master at justifying expenditures, I cannot come up with a good reason for this one.

It could be this amazing turquoise and pink and green china.

Or it could not be.

Or it could be.

I'd ask you for help coming up with answers to justify the expense of bone china, but really, I have three kids and a giant horsedog, and by the time I saved up enough money to get place settings for all of us, the kids will be grown, and I'll be sitting old and alone in my dining room with just the newspaper, my husband, and some 30 year old china for company. But my husband would probably be too afraid to break the china, so he'd be eating on some plastic nonsense he bought for $.99 at Target.

5. I find it amusing that the place I used to live has had more snow than the place I live now. And the people in the place I used to live made fun of me for moving to this place because of the terrible winters. Ha. I see your snow and I raise you some horrible cold!

6. My firstborn child is almost five feet tall. He wears a men's size nine shoe. He is eight. Something is wrong with this picture.

Oh wait, I found the problem. It's the genetic code of his two giant parents! Whew!

I will be a better blogger from here on out. Girl Scout's honor.

Update on Saturday, January 29, 2011 at 12:50PM by Yarnista

I believe I have located the source of the massive bandwidth increase, so please keep your fingers crossed that we can get everything sorted out.

No one should feel bad! Cross that off your list of things to worry about. :)

Yarn wreath tutorial!

If you're anything like me, you're always looking for fun ways to make use of the yarn you've accumulated over the years.

Not that I've accumulated that much yarn, really. Just enough to make sure that my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren have an unending supply of hand dyed goodies.

I can just see my children reading my last will and testament, in which I bequeath them each 1/3 of my stash instead of cash. What a pleasant thought. For me.

Maybe our new staff T-shirts should say:

STASH IS BETTER THAN CASH!

in big giant letters. I think everyone will go for it. I mean, who wants to get paid money when they could get paid in yarny awesomeness?

But I digress.

Look at these fun wreaths my sister and I just made for Valentine's Day:

We had so much fun, we ended up making four wreaths, and now I'm going to show you how to make them too! Yay!

Here's what you'll need:

• Some yarn. Any color you want. The amount you'll use is dependent on the size of the wreath -- a big wreath will take about 150 yards of Aran weight yarn. A small wreath will take less than 100.
  
• A pair of scissors.
  
• A hot glue gun.
• A naked straw wreath, any size that you prefer.
• Pieces of felt. You can get a couple of flowers out of one sheet of craft felt. You could certainly use wool felt, if you like, but I bought recycled craft felt at a big box store.
  
• Optional: Fabric scraps, buttons, glitter, and scrapbooking paper to snazz things up.

I'm in love with these dressmaker's shears I bought at Bobbin's Nest Studio. Where have you been all my life, shears? You cut like buttah.

 We found it best to leave the plastic on the straw wreath -- it makes them easier to wrap with yarn when you don't have little pieces of straw poking out all over. You could also wrap yours in plastic wrap if need be.

Do you know how to wind a ball of yarn by hand? A lot of people don't, so I'm going to show you. If you already know how, you can skip the next couple of pictures.

Lay out our skein of yarn and snip the ties carefully.

If you don't have a swift, just use the backs of two chairs.

I don't have a swift at home.

Does that shock you?

Ready to fall dead on the floor?

I like winding yarn by hand.

I own a nice ball winder, and I hardly ever use it, because winding them by hand is kind of fun.

Hello?

Now you're ready to get your sister with the French manicure to demonstrate yarn winding. Wrap it maybe 20 times around two fingers.

 Then tell her to take it off her fingers and start wrapping it around the yarn in the opposite direction.

Then, because you're so much faster at winding yarn balls than your sister is, snatch the ball of yarn away from her and wind it yourself.

(Note: It is very important that you snatch the ball of yarn from your sister. It helps if you couple it with a phrase like, "Gimme that!" or, "What are you DOING?")

Marvel at your decidedly less manicured fingernails.

Tie the ball of yarn to your wreath. I'm using some undyed Lindon Merino here. You can use anything, really -- the thicker the yarn, the faster the wreath will get covered. If you want to use sock yarn, you could wind several small balls and hold the yarn double or triple.

 Wind the yarn five or so times around the wreath. I found it was fastest to hold the wreath like this with my knees and to pass the yarn through the center with two hands.

 After you've wrapped it about five times, scoot the yarn up so the strands touch each other. I also found this to be faster than trying to line up each strand perfectly one at a time.

Keep repeating this until your wreath is mostly covered. The you can go back and fill in any thin areas.

Keep in mind that this doesn't need to look perfect. The wreath is probably even more charming with a little imperfection.

 You can also layer more than one type of yarn for texture and depth. Once I wrapped my wreath in Lindon, I added some Deliciousness (a superfine alpaca with a lovely texture) over the top.

 When you're satisfied with how it looks, snip the yarn and tuck the end in behind other strands on the back of the wreath.  You could also add a dab of hot glue to secure the end of the yarn.

Now we're ready to decorate!

Cut yourself a square of felt. The bigger the square, the bigger the flower it will make. It doesn't need to be a perfect square. Imperfection is beautiful, remember?

Snip the corners of the square to make a circle(ish) shape. If it made you happy, you could trace around a bowl or glass and cut out a perfect circle. But this is faster, and the end result is no less pretty.

Now cut the circle into a spiral shape. You could trace it, if you wanted, or you could freehand it, like I'm doing.

When you're done with your spiral, you start reshaping your felt into a flower.

 Start rolling the spiral of felt so that each layer is behind the next, like this:

 Keep going until you're out of felt.

Then add a dab of hot glue to the end to secure it.

See how purty she is? I recommend making all your flowers and decorations first and affixing them in a pleasing way once you can see how everything will come together.

I love the way these look together.

The thinner you cut the spiral, the more petals you'll have to wrap. Notice how it's not cut perfectly.

And repeat after me: That's OK, because imperfections are beautiful.

Here's an example of a spiral I cut with a wavy line. It gives the finished petals a pretty shape.

All imperfect, all beautiful.

Now it's time to add embellishments, if you like. We glued some small buttons to the center of a few of our flowers, for added snazzle.

We experimented with other shapes and techniques, like layered hearts, and snipping some of the petals to appear fringe-y, like the purple flower in this picture. We cut some leaves out of glittered scrapbooking paper, and we rolled a few small balls of yarn from scraps to add to the wreaths.

Arrange your snazzles so they look good to you, and hot glue them on. (FYI: Since snazzle is a word I just made up five minutes ago, feel free to use it as an adjective, a verb, a noun, whatever. I give you permission.)

I like the layered flowers on this one. The yarn is wrapped in Cara on Springvale.

See the sparkly leaves and the small balls of yarn? This is Clare on Lindon Merino. It looks pretty on my library door!

And if you have some handpainted yarn with repeating segments of color, this is a fun way to show it off! Tara on Lindon Merino here:

I hung these in my kitchen, and I love the way the pale green looks with the red, purple, pink, and blue.

Your turn! Make some Valentine's yarn wreaths, and be sure and send me a picture! Happy Valentine's Day to you!

Last time I was there

The last time I was at Darn Knit Anyway, it was a sultry day in Minnesota. The humidity was killer. My face was glistening shortly after stepping out of my air conditioned car.

My guess is that Stillwater, MN in January is just a teensy bit cooler in January than it is in July.

But that doesn't mean we won't have a great time -- in fact, all the more reason to pile on your handknits and join us this Saturday (January 22nd) for our new workshop on yarn substitutions.

This is one of the topics that I get asked about all the time.  People want to know, "Will this yarn work with this pattern?" or, "I really want to make this one-eyed, one-horned, giant purple people eater -- will I get gauge with Springvale DK?"

Intrepid readers, I propose a new motto.

No longer will we be shackled by the constraints of our patterns!

We shall make yarn substitutions with confidence!

We'll knit our projects with any darn yarn we want!

And we'll be happy about it!

I invite you to join me this Saturday, January 22nd, at Darn Knit Anyway in Stillwater, MN.  The workshop is from 1-4pm, with a trunk show to follow from 4-6.

Registration for the workshop is very limited, so please call or email Darn Knit Anyway soon. The trunk show is free and open to all, but workshop registrants get first pick of the nifty Carpe Yarnem (never to be repeated) colorways. Darn Knit Anyway can be reached via telephone at 651.342.1386, or via email at info@darnknitanyway.com.

Bring your patterns, and we'll find some great yarn possibilities amidst Darn Knit Anyway's sizable selection -- we'll get in lots of hands-on practice, ensuring you can apply what you learn to your knitting every day.

T-minus five days! Who's up for a road trip this weekend?

A pictoral tutorial

Or is that pictorial tutorial?

Today, I bring you a tutorial on how to to block your knitting. Blocking is washing or steaming your garment so everything lays as it should. Your knitting will look at least 50% better after blocking.

Blocking is very, very important. If you do not properly block your garments, the knitting police will revoke your knitting permit and gouge your eyes out with Susan Bates Circular Needles.

Question: Will blocking my sweater make me look like Cindy Crawford?

Answer: No, only genes and plastic surgery can do that.

Question: Will blocking my hat keep me from looking like a homeless person?

Answer: Possibly.

Question: Will blocking make my brown eyes blue?

Answer: Yes, if you also wear colored contacts while blocking.

Question: Will blocking make my knitting look utterly sublime?

Answer: Most definitely.

Step One: Knit something. Block it. Admire your handiwork.

Step two: Knit an identical thing from a different colorway. Don't block it.

Step three: do a foot-to-foot comparison of the blocked vs. the unblocked thing.

Step four. Call the knitting police and turn yourself in. Speak with the district attorney and make arrangements to get on their home monitoring program until all of your knits are well and truly blocked.

Step five. Knit something else, like a Hollygrove Hat. Check in with your probation officer and confirm your plans to block the item in a timely fashion once knitting is complete.

Step six. Give the item a bath. Tepid water, a little wool wash or mild hair shampoo. Soak for 10-20 minutes.

Step seven: *GENTLY squeeze out the extra water from your garment. *GINGERLY place the item in a mesh bag. A pillowcase will also work.

Step eight: *TENDERLY place the bag at the bottom of your washing machine. This will also work with a front loader. I've done it myself with two separate models and it works fine. Don't lie to me.

If you're using a top loader like we have in the studio, it might help to place some clean but linty towels opposite the bag you've so *DELICATELY placed at the bottom of the washer. This will help keep the washing machine from ka-thunking across the floor with its unbalanced load.

Step nine. Turn your washing machine to **SPIN CYCLE ONLY. Stand there and listen to make sure you don't hear water entering the machine. If you hear water, stop it immediately and move the control somewhere else, randomly, willy-nilly, until you do NOT hear water entering the machine.

If you don't have a washing machine, use a salad spinner to get the excess water out.

If you don't have a salad spinner, go outside and swing your arm around and around 5,000 times to get the extra water out via centrifugal force.

Step 10: Stop judging me for my dye splotched washing machine. My washer at home is much cleaner, OK? I work with dyes all day, OK? I don't have time to scrub my hands with surgical precision fifty times a day, OK?

OK?

Step 11: While the garment is being spun out, prepare the high-tech hat drying apparatus. It is ***VERY IMPORTANT that you buy Happy Birthday balloons for this project. Balloons that say anything other than Happy Birthday (or worse, say nothing at all) are completely unacceptable.

Step 12: Inflate balloon to desired size. It's useful to measure the recipient's head before doing this. If that's not possible, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Self, does the recipient of my hat have a big head or a small head?

2. Self, does the recipient of my hat have a bigger or a smaller head than me?

3. Self, what is the circumference of our head?

****Then somehow use the information you glean from the answers to questions 1-3 to guesstimate how big the recipient's head is.

I guesstimated that the recipient of my hat is 6'5", and thus he must have a bigger head than people who are average height.

I guesstimated that I bore thirty pounds of the recipient's children and can personally attest that the children all had heads that were bigger than the average baby.

Thus, I guesstimated that the recipient had a head circumference of 25ish inches.

Step 13: place high-tech blocking apparatus in a bowl to hold it upright.

Step 14: *CAREFULLY remove the hat from the spin cycle of the washing machine. It should now be just damp and not dripping water all over the place.

Step 15: Place hat on high-tech blocking apparatus and arrange as desired.

HELLO? It already looks way better, and it's not even dry yet.

Step 16: Leave high-tech blocking apparatus alone for a while, until the hat dries completely. This could take anywhere from 12-48 hours.

I did not take pictures of the high-tech blocking apparatus sitting alone for 48 hours, but this is pretty much what it would look like:

Step 17: When the hat is dry, remove it from blocking apparatus for photographing. Any knitter will tell you that it's important to photograph your projects immediately after blocking, because they'll probably never look this good again. *****Also, it's good evidence for your probation officer to demonstrate that you are complying with the terms of your probation.

Step 18: Pose the hat so it looks adorable.

Step 19: Take at least one more artsy photo of your garment for auld lang syne:

And there you have it: a pictor(i)al tutorial, proof positive on the importance of blocking.

Before:

After:

*By gently, gingerly, tenderly, delicately, and carefully, I mean toss it in any old way at all. It's a hat, not an egg.

** By Spin Cycle Only, I mean Spin Cycle Only.

*** By very important, I mean not important at all.

**** By somehow use the information, I mean figure it out on your own. It's 12:50 am here and there's a dog, a cat, and a three year old asleep on me. I can hardly move my arms.

***** Once a law teacher, always a law teacher.

Project stats: Hollygrove Hat, designed by Judy Kaethler.

Yarn: Roslea Organic Chunky

Needles: Size US 3. I wanted the hat to be super dense so the recipient would have warm ears during his four hour shifts flooding the neighborhood hockey rink.

Colorway: Mine

Pattern modifications: I worked an extra 3" of ribbing at the bottom so the brim could be folded up and provide a double layer of warmth over the ears. I knit the size small to account for my larger gauge, and then did two extra repeats of the cable pattern before decreasing for the crown shaping. It fits (and works) beautifully. The pattern was superb. Easy to understand and memorize. A nifty weekend project, and a great foray into cables!

Update on Wednesday, January 12, 2011 at 8:28AM by Yarnista

To block other garments that are not head shaped, you can simply lay your damp item on a towel in a safe spot and smooth it out to shape it.  There are also specialized blocking tools, like sock blockers, which are a sock-shaped form you can place your damp sock on to let it dry. (This is not a requirement, however.)

Any project that involves lace will also require a good blocking, as the lace will look like wet spaghetti until it's stretched to the correct shape. You can use pins to keep your lace in a good shape until dry, or you can also purchase specialized blocking wires designed for lace.

Sing with me: It's such a good feeling...

...to know you're alive.

It's such a happy feeling: You're growing inside.

And when you wake up ready to say

I think I'll make a snappy new day

It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling

 

The feeling you know that

I'll be back, when the day is new

And I'll have more ideas for you.

And you'll have things you'll want to talk about.

I will too.