Sunday
Jun142009
An open letter to myself.
Sunday, June 14, 2009 at 7:28AM
Dear Self,
The last time we spoke, you were concerned about the White House's inability to spell. That was two months ago. I have many more things to discuss with you -- your upcoming visit to Sock Summit, the last day of school (coming soon, isn't it?), and the fact that you're in desperate need of a haircut. While these topics do need attention, I have an urgent matter to talk to you about.
The bacon does not love you back.
Hear me out. I know you have a special place in your heart for bacon, particularly the salt-cured, additive-free, small-producer variety, but there is a bright line between fondness and problematic behavior. I'm sorry to see you've crossed that line.
Tonight when you cooked the bacon for a spinach salad with with mushrooms, I saw you surreptitiously gobble a large quantity of the bacon that was intended for the supper. I saw the furtive glances as you thought to yourself, "MINE. ALL FOR ME! NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE ANY!"
Come now, Self. Do you really think you deserve ALL the bacon? (I know you bring it home, but that's really no excuse.) Should you really be eating a full pound of pig belly? I invite you to take a look in the mirror before you answer that question.
I say this only because I care about you, and I know the ledge upon which you perch is both high and perilous. It's a long fall to the bottom, Self. Bacon doesn't -- and can't -- love you back. I've brought a ladder for you. I'll just leave it over here and walk away. Climb down when you're ready.
No, there is no parmesan cheese down here. That doesn't love you back either. But the yarn, that's a different story. Yarn is both delicious and figure friendly.
I look forward to your speedy reply.
Love,
Yarnista
The last time we spoke, you were concerned about the White House's inability to spell. That was two months ago. I have many more things to discuss with you -- your upcoming visit to Sock Summit, the last day of school (coming soon, isn't it?), and the fact that you're in desperate need of a haircut. While these topics do need attention, I have an urgent matter to talk to you about.
The bacon does not love you back.
Hear me out. I know you have a special place in your heart for bacon, particularly the salt-cured, additive-free, small-producer variety, but there is a bright line between fondness and problematic behavior. I'm sorry to see you've crossed that line.
Tonight when you cooked the bacon for a spinach salad with with mushrooms, I saw you surreptitiously gobble a large quantity of the bacon that was intended for the supper. I saw the furtive glances as you thought to yourself, "MINE. ALL FOR ME! NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE ANY!"
Come now, Self. Do you really think you deserve ALL the bacon? (I know you bring it home, but that's really no excuse.) Should you really be eating a full pound of pig belly? I invite you to take a look in the mirror before you answer that question.
I say this only because I care about you, and I know the ledge upon which you perch is both high and perilous. It's a long fall to the bottom, Self. Bacon doesn't -- and can't -- love you back. I've brought a ladder for you. I'll just leave it over here and walk away. Climb down when you're ready.
No, there is no parmesan cheese down here. That doesn't love you back either. But the yarn, that's a different story. Yarn is both delicious and figure friendly.
I look forward to your speedy reply.
Love,
Yarnista
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Reader Comments (7)
LOL! I thought I was the only one who actually made extra bacon for the "healthy" salad so that I could have more than anyone else! It's just so good and crispy and doesn't look like you are eating all that much.
I'm sure you were only eating that bacon to keep the rest of the family from eating too much! A selfless act, like when I buy yarn to help the economy...
But what about low salt pre-cooked bacon? Can the relationship be platonic at least?
I always make my husband cook the bacon but it doesn't seem to have the same effect on his butt!
Oh my goodness you are so funny. I love to read what you write, it always makes me laugh and smile.
Without sounding gushy, you really should consider writing professionally. I love reading your blog because you are a skilled storyteller with a great sense of humor. (Your yarn is beautiful too!)
Im laughing my a@@ off here! ah I love you!