Thursday
Feb112010
We don’t need no education.
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 9:04PM
Yes indeedy, the snow is high, deep, cold, and white. I'm sure you've seen it on the news, or experienced it firsthand. This is the snowiest winter on record in the DC area, and we're feeling it pretty acutely. This Southern city is just not equipped to remove over 40" of snow from the roads in a timely fashion. School has been canceled for the past five days. People everywhere are infected with the stir-crazies.
Here's how tall some of the banks are. I am six feet tall, in comparison.
But on to today's real topic.
I've mentioned before that I'm working on the curriculum for my upcoming class at The Yarn Spot in Wheaton, MD. In addition to the course materials, I've also been practicing my classroom management skills. Knitters can be difficult to work with.
Twelve years of teaching high school taught me a couple of things about teenagers, and one of them is that they respond very well to humor. If you can make something funny, they will cooperate with you far better than if you try to play it straight. After I realized this and stopped trying to impress them with my useless Minnesota trivia, I had time to develop my repertoire of accents, ranging from hillbilly to Queen Elizabeth.
Somehow, it's more interesting to 10th graders when you lecture on judicial review in a Minnesota accent. (Note to educators: to students on the East and West Coast, a Minnesota accent will be one of the funniest things they've ever heard.)
I've already decided that the entire Yarn Spot class will be conducted in my over-the-top, worse-than-Paris-Hilton Valley Girl accent. Because knitters are pretty much like teenagers, right? Right?
In addition to the accents, I have an arsenal of ridiculous facial expressions, and I'm trying to narrow down which ones I'll be using during the class. I've included the standard classroom application for each face, but need help translating these to a knitting class application. Feedback is welcome.
Face #1:
Used when examining an badly forged hall pass. It's best followed with:
And then a statement like, "Good try, but this is obviously your handwriting. Next time, try writing it on something other than a paper towel."
Face #2:
Used when fifteen year old boys are making strange noises, emitting strange smells, or asking you ridiculous questions like, "Can I please, PLEASE share a desk with Tiffany for just this one class period? PLEASE!?" No verbal followup is usually required when using this option. If this face is held long enough, students will eventually give up and say, "ALL RIGHT. That's what I thought you were going to say," and go back to their desks.
Face #3:
Used when teenage girls try to convince you that Miley Cyrus is a legitimate musical artist. Followed with, "I don't understand a word you just said. What language was that?"
Face #4:
This is the, "I don't really care that you don't want to do the homework" face. Followed with, "I'm pretty sure you're going to live through it," or, "If your arm falls off from all the writing, just let me know, and I'll get my first aid kit out."
Face #5: The Eyebrow of Death
See, THIS is why you can't get Botox and use my system. Look at how the brow must furrow and arch simultaneously. This face is so ridiculous, such a caricature, that it has a twofold effect on teenagers. First, they freeze in their tracks. Then, they laugh and say, "OK, OK! I get it!"
This technique is especially effective when coupled with the phrase, "Let me show you the eyebrow of death," and then a dramatic gesture in which you move your sideswept bangs out of the way so they can better see your expression.
And finally.
Finally, I bring you the worst thing you've ever seen in your whole life. It is so bad, my fingers are trembling at the mere sight of it.
Get ready.
Put down what you're drinking.
This is the face I used to make when I was five and I was really REALLY angry with my mother. I would make this face to convey my extreme anger, and everyone would promptly burst out laughing, which would make me even angrier.
When you use it on students, they can't help themselves. They shriek with laughter. They say, "Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!"
It's bad.
You may never look at me the same way again.
Fair warning.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Face #6:
When the wild rumpus begins -- and you know it will eventually -- whip this baby out and stand there as still as a stone.
I haven't sent anyone to the principal's office in years. I didn't need to -- all I had to do is talk like I just jumped off the turnip truck and make a face like this:
and I could usually get 32 hormonally-charged beings to at least fake a little cooperation. I just hope this will be sufficient to keep these knitters under control.
What do you think? Will any of these faces work on my knitting students, or do I need to come up with new ones? Oh dear, what if no one listens to me? What if someone calls me an ugly whore, like on my first day as a high school teacher?
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Here's how tall some of the banks are. I am six feet tall, in comparison.
But on to today's real topic.
I've mentioned before that I'm working on the curriculum for my upcoming class at The Yarn Spot in Wheaton, MD. In addition to the course materials, I've also been practicing my classroom management skills. Knitters can be difficult to work with.
Twelve years of teaching high school taught me a couple of things about teenagers, and one of them is that they respond very well to humor. If you can make something funny, they will cooperate with you far better than if you try to play it straight. After I realized this and stopped trying to impress them with my useless Minnesota trivia, I had time to develop my repertoire of accents, ranging from hillbilly to Queen Elizabeth.
Somehow, it's more interesting to 10th graders when you lecture on judicial review in a Minnesota accent. (Note to educators: to students on the East and West Coast, a Minnesota accent will be one of the funniest things they've ever heard.)
I've already decided that the entire Yarn Spot class will be conducted in my over-the-top, worse-than-Paris-Hilton Valley Girl accent. Because knitters are pretty much like teenagers, right? Right?
In addition to the accents, I have an arsenal of ridiculous facial expressions, and I'm trying to narrow down which ones I'll be using during the class. I've included the standard classroom application for each face, but need help translating these to a knitting class application. Feedback is welcome.
Face #1:
Used when examining an badly forged hall pass. It's best followed with:
And then a statement like, "Good try, but this is obviously your handwriting. Next time, try writing it on something other than a paper towel."
Face #2:
Used when fifteen year old boys are making strange noises, emitting strange smells, or asking you ridiculous questions like, "Can I please, PLEASE share a desk with Tiffany for just this one class period? PLEASE!?" No verbal followup is usually required when using this option. If this face is held long enough, students will eventually give up and say, "ALL RIGHT. That's what I thought you were going to say," and go back to their desks.
Face #3:
Used when teenage girls try to convince you that Miley Cyrus is a legitimate musical artist. Followed with, "I don't understand a word you just said. What language was that?"
Face #4:
This is the, "I don't really care that you don't want to do the homework" face. Followed with, "I'm pretty sure you're going to live through it," or, "If your arm falls off from all the writing, just let me know, and I'll get my first aid kit out."
Face #5: The Eyebrow of Death
See, THIS is why you can't get Botox and use my system. Look at how the brow must furrow and arch simultaneously. This face is so ridiculous, such a caricature, that it has a twofold effect on teenagers. First, they freeze in their tracks. Then, they laugh and say, "OK, OK! I get it!"
This technique is especially effective when coupled with the phrase, "Let me show you the eyebrow of death," and then a dramatic gesture in which you move your sideswept bangs out of the way so they can better see your expression.
And finally.
Finally, I bring you the worst thing you've ever seen in your whole life. It is so bad, my fingers are trembling at the mere sight of it.
Get ready.
Put down what you're drinking.
This is the face I used to make when I was five and I was really REALLY angry with my mother. I would make this face to convey my extreme anger, and everyone would promptly burst out laughing, which would make me even angrier.
When you use it on students, they can't help themselves. They shriek with laughter. They say, "Do it again! Do it again! Do it again!"
It's bad.
You may never look at me the same way again.
Fair warning.
*
*
*
*
*
*
Face #6:
When the wild rumpus begins -- and you know it will eventually -- whip this baby out and stand there as still as a stone.
I haven't sent anyone to the principal's office in years. I didn't need to -- all I had to do is talk like I just jumped off the turnip truck and make a face like this:
and I could usually get 32 hormonally-charged beings to at least fake a little cooperation. I just hope this will be sufficient to keep these knitters under control.
What do you think? Will any of these faces work on my knitting students, or do I need to come up with new ones? Oh dear, what if no one listens to me? What if someone calls me an ugly whore, like on my first day as a high school teacher?
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
Reader Comments (18)
Ohhhh, I KNEW the pursed lips face was coming as soon as you said "angry with my mother." :) I remember it well! And I remember how frustrated you would get when we would laugh at your pursed lip face -- you were trying to be all serious and we weren't having it. Too bad you can't photographically illustrate the walk that went with the pursed lips face. You make me laugh. Suggestion: please make all your photographs larger.
I practiced each of these faces as they came on my screen. Thankfully (since I'm in my HS English credential program) they're all pretty natural to me, having been a big sister of 5! The one I can't do is the eyebrow. EVERYONE in my family can raise one or both of their eyebrows but ME! /sadface
What, this nearly life sized photos aren't big enough for you? Did you want to examine my pores as well? ;)
Oh Sharon, as a used-to-teach-elementary-school-and-will-again-after-kids I used these faces a lot too. Next time I see you again (sock summit?) we should practice making faces. Mine were usually accompanied by "Oh, how sad, not a great choice". Love it!!!
Sharon you have me rolling on my floor, that last face totally had me! Though I didn't have a "walk" to go with my face, I had a hand on hip motion and a *pop* of the hip. Worked like a charm.
You must have been a wonderfully fun teacher to have!
I now challenge you to create emoticons to match each of those faces. ;)
You are hilarious! I can't wait to see those faces in action at the workshop. Now, what can I plan to get that last face brought out...
Will the faces work? In the immortal tones of a Valleys girl, "Totally, man!"
Of course, if all else fails, you could always just sigh and loudly say, "Uf dah." Or better yet, tell them if they don't behave they'll have to eat some Lutefisk. That'll cure them.
Yours is the best blog ever! I can't wait every day to read the next installment.
Well, I must say, our customers are often unruly, but I don't know if ANY of those faces will work on women when confronted with Georgia Peach covetousness. What will you do then?
Great faces!! I can see why your Mom wants them bigger. It brought back memories of my daughter practicing different faces in the mirror, although she was dead serious, and would never have tried that last one!! I don't think you will need to discipline your knitters--you will just have to keep the whispering and giggling down to a dull roar. Everyone will be so excited to be there.
Sharon - you are hilarious! I know you were an excellent teacher. I sure wish I could attend that knitting class. Everyone will be very attentive and so glad to hear you - if they get antsy just change up the accent and give em one of those faces. That will keep them on the edge of their chairs. If they look sleepy - pull out a never before seen skein of your yarn - that will wake them up!
It sounds like you were a really good teacher --- and you MUST be a fun Mom!! :)
Great faces! I know that last face, I'm afraid. My son does one almost exactly the same, except he wrinkles his nose up at the same time. My sister does it too. We call it "the ugly face".
this is great ive bookmarked this one hehe
That woman is just gorgeous, I mean a lot seems to think she is dumb but that's just an act, it does require some skills to become one of the most famous people in the world.
Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?
Can someone help me find it?
Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.
Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.
Thanks
My grandmother referred to #6 as "chicken butt face." If she made that face in your direction, you knew you were in trouble.