if you'll Permit me.
Sunday, January 2, 2011 at 8:21PM Things I Love and Hate, Simultaneously, at the Same Time, Concurrently.
By Yarnista
1. Gummi bears.
Why, WHY do I have to like these things? There is nothing redeeming about them. Nothing. At least with chocolate, I can appease my inner critic with the fact that they have a modicum of heart healthy blah blah blah and that Snickers have peanuts blah blah and that chocolate is a naturally occurring food yadda yadda.
Gummi bears, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
2. Fruit Roll Ups.
What the heck? Am I eight years old? Why are these so delicious? I mollify my conscience by buying the all natural ones, but things have gotten out of hand. Last week, I didn't bring a lunch to the studio, so I scrounged our snack bar and ended up with a cup of tea, a handful of almonds and four Fruit Roll Ups. Someone asked, "Eating Fruit Roll Ups for lunch again?" Apparently, I eat Fruit Roll Ups for lunch all the time and didn't know it. Now I'm sleep-eating dehydrated fruit?
Fruit Roll Ups, OFF WITH YOUR SCRUMPTIOUS LITTLE HEADS.
3. Minnesota winter water.
Here in American Siberia, we get our water from Lake Superior.
Yes, the water is filtered and cleaned before it comes out of the tap. The water tastes fresh and delicious. But the water is 4,000 degrees below zero. There are stalactites in my bathroom from a dripping faucet. You could cryogenically freeze yourself for scientific purposes in this water.
I know that the Minnesota police will come and revoke my residency card as soon as they read this, but the water is really too cold to drink. It is colder than ice water. It doesn't just hurt your teeth, it coats your teeth with ice, so you have vampire fangs that you subsequently cut your lip with.
It takes forty five minutes for the hot water to make it from your basement to the tap in the kitchen where you're trying to wash your hands after chopping garlic. Your choices are to die of hypothermia while washing your hands in the 4,000 degrees below zero tap water or stand there for six hours with your garlicky hands waiting for the water to warm up.
4. Children's toys that were delivered by Satan instead of Santa.
You know the kind. They make insidious noises, they creep around corners, they lurk in dark hallways, they autoclave glop to your wood floors, until one day you insist that the toy be put away, even though it's fun, even though it's educational, which then makes your child cry, which then makes them tell you that you're not their mother anymore, which then makes you say, "I don't care what you say, I am your mother, I grew you for seventy-five months and I say put the toy away," which then makes them ask why, mommy, why, and then you answer -- ready for it? -- because I am your mother and I said so.
I feel like I'm on Family Feud and I'm on Team Mommy, and when the host poses the question, "We asked 100 people to name the first lesson they learned from their mother. What did the survey say?"
When it's my turn, I'll excitedly jump up and down and yell, "BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!!!!" and everyone else on Team Mommy will clap and yell, "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!"
Y'all are going to yell "Good Answer!" aren't you?
5. Chocolate Labrador Horsedogs.
I love her. She eats my shoes. I love her. She chews my pillows. I love her. She has terrible gas. I love her. She puts her giant horsepaws on the counter and brazenly steals food. I love her, but she is the size of a Shetland Pony. I love her, she has soft ears and warm brown eyes and a sweet disposition, but she is so very, very bad. When I come home from work, half of the accessories in the house are on top of the piano, having been rescued from the Horsedog's Jaws of Destruction.
But I love her.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Sincerely,
Yarnista
Reader Comments (32)
I totally feel for you on the water. However, you should try Houston water in the summer. Similar except that not only is the "cold" water HOT, it tastes like algae. Yep, it gets so bad that every once in a while they have to shock the water supply with chlorine so then it tastes like you're drinking pool water. The chlorine content while taking a shower will bring tears to your eyes!
I love visiting Duluth as have lived in Minnesota my entire life. The weather is sometimes a challenge but when we are blessed with warmer temperatures we forget about that cold, cold water. Really enjoy reading your blog as it always puts a smile on my face.
Having lived in Texas all my life, when my Dad was stationed in Minot, ND for 4 years, this was my first winter complaint. Seriously, how do they make the water so cold while still in liquid form?!? When the 4 years was up (coinciding with my graduation from high school), all my friends were going to UND. Didn't I want to go too? Um, no, I am moving back to Texas, surely some school there will take me!
And watching the winter storms on the television recently, while it is 80 degrees outside my front door, I don't regret that decision at all. I don't know how you do it. I am sure freezing your skin off your hands makes knitting warm sweaters much more appealing....but I just can't do it. More power to ya'll
The water thing is so true. It tastes amazing. When I worked in Duluth & received CPR training, the paramedic/trainer told us never to run a burn under straight cold water in Duluth because it's too cold and will damage your cells. Seriously.
We must lead parallel lives - the Gummy Bear issue, the horsedog and being a part of Team Mommy means I am still cheering even though I swore I would never use that excuse and I still remember the exact date I first said it (8/17/1997). Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.
So here's how to redeem gummie bears... Seriously, it works!
1. Hop into your warmed car and buckle up. (You have to drive, sorry.)
2. Pull up to your local Costco. You have to have a Costco within 20 minutes or so from you, doesn't everyone!?!
3. Go to the vitamin section.
4. Buy yourself the vitamin gummie bears. What they don't have the "adult" variety of vitamins?
5. Okay, then. Just settle on the vitamins for kids and tell yourself "at least I am getting vitamins!"
oh now I want some gummy bears. De.Licious.
So here's the deal.
Your humor is like heroin to me. I can't get off it. I need it. But I would never admit that.
I comb through your blog, looking for a new one I haven't read yet.
Unlike heroine users, the euphoria lasts longer than the typical 7-8 seconds.... I laugh outrageously, and then force the closest people around to read me your blog saying, "This is why I have to live in Duluth! It's not an option!"
I love you, and I love your blog, and I want to live by you and your humor. And your children. And your sisters. And your dog.
Ah, thank you, Savannah! You come live near me anytime!
Laurie, I must admit (sheepishly) that I have eaten at least half of my children's gummi vitamins. I buy the regular children's multis so I can eat like three a day. And then I also buy children's gummi vitamin C, which I eat at least 4-5 of every day.
Great minds think alike!
I love your post,, The dog was so cute.
So cool, Your dog was so cute, I will love her too.. I have also a dog her name was lala and she really love to play in our polished concrete floor.