if you'll Permit me.
Sunday, January 2, 2011 at 8:21PM Things I Love and Hate, Simultaneously, at the Same Time, Concurrently.
By Yarnista
1. Gummi bears.
Why, WHY do I have to like these things? There is nothing redeeming about them. Nothing. At least with chocolate, I can appease my inner critic with the fact that they have a modicum of heart healthy blah blah blah and that Snickers have peanuts blah blah and that chocolate is a naturally occurring food yadda yadda.
Gummi bears, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
2. Fruit Roll Ups.
What the heck? Am I eight years old? Why are these so delicious? I mollify my conscience by buying the all natural ones, but things have gotten out of hand. Last week, I didn't bring a lunch to the studio, so I scrounged our snack bar and ended up with a cup of tea, a handful of almonds and four Fruit Roll Ups. Someone asked, "Eating Fruit Roll Ups for lunch again?" Apparently, I eat Fruit Roll Ups for lunch all the time and didn't know it. Now I'm sleep-eating dehydrated fruit?
Fruit Roll Ups, OFF WITH YOUR SCRUMPTIOUS LITTLE HEADS.
3. Minnesota winter water.
Here in American Siberia, we get our water from Lake Superior.
Yes, the water is filtered and cleaned before it comes out of the tap. The water tastes fresh and delicious. But the water is 4,000 degrees below zero. There are stalactites in my bathroom from a dripping faucet. You could cryogenically freeze yourself for scientific purposes in this water.
I know that the Minnesota police will come and revoke my residency card as soon as they read this, but the water is really too cold to drink. It is colder than ice water. It doesn't just hurt your teeth, it coats your teeth with ice, so you have vampire fangs that you subsequently cut your lip with.
It takes forty five minutes for the hot water to make it from your basement to the tap in the kitchen where you're trying to wash your hands after chopping garlic. Your choices are to die of hypothermia while washing your hands in the 4,000 degrees below zero tap water or stand there for six hours with your garlicky hands waiting for the water to warm up.
4. Children's toys that were delivered by Satan instead of Santa.
You know the kind. They make insidious noises, they creep around corners, they lurk in dark hallways, they autoclave glop to your wood floors, until one day you insist that the toy be put away, even though it's fun, even though it's educational, which then makes your child cry, which then makes them tell you that you're not their mother anymore, which then makes you say, "I don't care what you say, I am your mother, I grew you for seventy-five months and I say put the toy away," which then makes them ask why, mommy, why, and then you answer -- ready for it? -- because I am your mother and I said so.
I feel like I'm on Family Feud and I'm on Team Mommy, and when the host poses the question, "We asked 100 people to name the first lesson they learned from their mother. What did the survey say?"
When it's my turn, I'll excitedly jump up and down and yell, "BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!!!!" and everyone else on Team Mommy will clap and yell, "GOOD ANSWER! GOOD ANSWER!"
Y'all are going to yell "Good Answer!" aren't you?
5. Chocolate Labrador Horsedogs.
I love her. She eats my shoes. I love her. She chews my pillows. I love her. She has terrible gas. I love her. She puts her giant horsepaws on the counter and brazenly steals food. I love her, but she is the size of a Shetland Pony. I love her, she has soft ears and warm brown eyes and a sweet disposition, but she is so very, very bad. When I come home from work, half of the accessories in the house are on top of the piano, having been rescued from the Horsedog's Jaws of Destruction.
But I love her.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Sincerely,
Yarnista
Reader Comments (32)
Oh! I love her...I have a 120 pound lab, so I hear ya :)
You gave me a grin, again. Thanks.
My husband calls our two Golden Retrievers 'horse-nados'. As in if a horse and a tornado had a baby it would be a 'horse-nado'. They barrel through the house, steal everything they can get their paws on and enjoy snacking on my yarn. We love them and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
I seriously love your posts. I am from California living in the tundra and loving it for 3 years now. Your posts make me giddy. I'm also a mom of little ones as well as a black lab/german shepherd horse-dog. It'll be fun to meet you at Darn Knit Anyway in a few weeks. : ) Post away! I need your humor on some of our gloooooomy days.
I hear ya on the Gummi Bears. Only with me it's Spree. Not the vomit-flavored chewy Spree that they sell at the grocery store, the original hard Spree that the stores no longer carry forcing me to order in bulk from Amazon and therefore accelerate my consumption of said Spree because what's one box when I have twenty more? Ugh. I hate them.
I'm a Duluthian born and bred. Love reading your posts. I enjoy your humor and tales of the north. :) I moved far south to Stillwater and love it here, but Duluth is still home. Look forward to seeing you at Darn Knit Anyway! I know it will be a blast. :)
I also have 2 tornados of my own. I love them. ;)
Such a funny post, Hub kept asking why I was giggling. I had to read several parts for him, leading to quite a discussion about water temperatures. :-)
Stories like yours about the horse dog are what makes me glad to have short-legged corgis. No angels, for sure, but can't reach as much trouble!
So very funny. I was LMAO @ the #4.
Aw, your tales of your horsedog made me giggle. Mostly because I completely understand. Our horsedog (standard poodle) loves to steal food off the counter. It's the one bad habit that he came with that we haven't been able to break. Our solution: we trained ourselves to not leave stuff out on the counters!
Such a precious face your horse-dog has!! I hear that chocolate labs are the wildest of all labs, but how could you not love that face?
Sharon, your posts are just great. I can agree with most of the posts from personal experience. Don't and haven't had a dog as I allergic. But my oldest daughter has. Labs are notorious for being easily bored and having to be shut in the house just makes it worse. But she is a beauty. At least the Cocker Spaniel that my oldest has is not tall enough to take things off of counters. But they have to clean the area up when he is out and about because it is all fair game if it is in his reach. He is a chewer and a lot of the grandkids toys are snacks for him.
I too have a Horsedog of the chocolate lab type, but with crystal clear blue eyes. He's not only a horse with bear size feet but he is fat, so everyone tells me. He is, thank god, done with the chewing everything in sight faze of his life. I really got tired of repairing my walls because he thoughts walls were a treat to eat...
Now he is lazy.
She is beautiful by the way
xx
I was relieved to read Kimberly's report that the chewing phase for Labs goes away - we are counting on that for you. :) The image of ice fangs forming because of the coldness of our water - very funny! And you are right - I have never tasted water that was as delicious as ours.
I have a Lab-Pitt mix, Sirus. When we got him him he was about a year old, and he chewed on everything. We had to get special baby gates to keep him sequestered at night because he broke a metal crate. Gradually, Sirus lost interest in destroying everything he could get his mouth around (like the leg of our coffee table). At about age 5 he serioulsy mellowed out. Now he is free to roam the house 24/7 and he doesn't do anything naughty (besides eating cat food and sneaking up onto the sofa occasionally). He knows what toys are his and won't go after other stuff. So there is hope!
Loved this post..I, too, have a Lab although she is yellow. I've heard they are the craziest :) But I love her. And I do love gummi bears too. I try not to steal them all from my granddaughter as she has her after-school snack. Because I certainly can't keep them in the house!
Sharon, your Chocolate Labrador Horsedog sounds like our late Tobey, who ate everything in sight. We loved him so, but quite often lamented his destruction--then you just get that look (like on your little bugger's face) and think "how can I be mad?" Then he'd go and steal 75 cut-out and iced Christmas Cookies off the counter....
I have 3 Sammies, and I have to say, that hair loss seems to be the only complaint I have about my 3 furry babies.... other than the one time Natasha was on the couch, *snacking*, on a sock that was still on the needles...... Let's just say when I happened upon that scene, my husband yelled at the dog to "RUN, Tasha, Mommy is going to eat you!" They just give you that look don't they?.... it is pure love.
Love your tales of your horsedog. My husband and I have a 3-year old, 95 lbs. male Irish Setter.. We often refer to him as a house horse; and frequently think we should rename him Dennis the Menance. Theiving is a sport in his mind....he's not sorry he does it, just that he gets caught...
I think she is sweet and amazing and maybe a bit bored; have you thought of taking her to the studio and teaching her to dye yarn? She has very intelligent eyes, I bet she could learn in no time!!
Having a 110 pound Lab/Newfie mix at our house has been an adventure. He is getting older now and slowing down a bit but still finds the puppy in his soul when someone looks like they might be willing to play with him. I have not had anything on end tables for many years, he wouldn't take them with his mouth, but he can clean an entire table off with one happy wag of his giant tail....